Australian Survivor, Season One

Episode 1, Journey To Whaler’s Way, 13 Feb 2002: Not taking the journey to Whaler’s Way: A decent cast; a host with personality; producers who know how to make bonfires; people who don’t quit; Raceguy’s sanity.

Episode 2, Violent Weather And Violent People, 20 Feb 2002: Some idiot in post-production decides that “Mo’ Confessionals!” is an acceptable way to make the episode interesting. Raceguy is understandably unimpressed.

Episode 3, The Losing Streak, 27 Feb 2002: Is it really a losing “streak” when (1) you have yet to lose two challenges in a row, and (2) you remain fully clothed? These questions and more will not be answered tonight.

Episode 4, The Struggle Of Both Tribes, 6 Mar 2002: Even though Craig and Caren do all of the work during the Immunity challenge, somehow Sylvain wins a car out of it. It’s that sort of week, right down to the Tipara Tribal Council.

Episode 5, It’s Just Too Hard!, 13 Mar 2002: Sylvain checks out of the game mentally, emotionally, and psychologically, but a small foot injury – which has been almost entirely recovered from by Tribal Council – convinces Kadina to vote out the lovely Deb. Fuck that shit.

Episode 6, This Game Is Way Different Than It Looks, 20 Mar 2002: Raceguy recaps the worst episode of any television show EVER, so you don’t have to watch it. But on the upside, Sylvain is gone! So watch it just for that. You certainly wouldn’t watch it for the product placement.

Episode 7, It’s Time To Merge, 3 Apr 2002: Number of shocking, completely unpredictable developments this week: Zero. The tribes merge, products are placed, and a former Kadina is voted off. But there is nudity, even without chocolate and peanut butter.

Episode 8, Pick Off, 10 Apr 2002: NoMind turns out to be such a good liar that she wins a computer and a night with Craig out of it. But then Craig turns out to be better at holding a pole in the air, and she’s predictably voted out.

Episode 9, I Just Feel So Bad, 17 Apr 2002: Which is worst: The fact that the reward challenge is made meaningless by everyone getting to share in the pizza; the appearance of the eating challenge; or the fact that Craig is voted out?

Episode 10, He’s A Threat, She’s A Threat, We’re All Threats!, 24 Apr 2002: There’s a whale playing around at the reward challenge, and then Princess Jane has her weight revealed in front of the… eighteen people still watching this show, and then Lance is voted out. It’s strangely boring, for what it is.

Episode 11, Cockiness Comes To An End, 1 May 2002: Long Pole Joel makes a deal with the Devil (well, one of the two, anyway) to ensure his safety in the game. The results are sadly as expected, and we say goodbye to the fifth likable person in five weeks.

Episode 12, Who’s The Odd Man Out?, 8 May 2002: In which the likelihood of getting a bearable winner manages to work its way into negative digits.

Episode 13, Finale, 15 May 2002: Hatie spazzes out even more than usual, and then gets voted out, and it’s strangely depressing. Then Long Pole Joel sticks to his word and is voted out, and it’s strangely fun. Then Knob wins, and it’s not-so-strangely twelve-step-program-inducing.

Episode 14, Reunion Special, 15 May 2002: Many of the sixteen contestants manage to reveal more about themselves than we saw on the show, but Bald Spice sadly takes it too far. Please pass the brain bleach. And some fake tan for him.

Bonus, Caption It Bitches!, Never Aired: Raceguy gets sick of doing all the work recapping this piece of dreck, and instead decides to take a bunch of screencaps, leaving them up for you to mock on your own.

Extra, In Memoriam — Rob Dickson

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